This painting's called "The British Assport" inspired by what's on our passports and courtroom walls. There's a greedy lion with its tongue hanging out and a unicorn all chained up. It says in French, not English, "Dieu et Mon Droit"..."Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense", meaning "God and My Right"..."Shame On He Who Thinks Ill of It".

The lions dictate these loony lessons for us unicorns to obey. Asked why they set such silly standards, the barmy army responds "The reason for these lessons is so they lessen day by day. It is vital that all British children learn Mandarin Chinese so they know what their passports and courtroom walls mean."

It's time Mule Britannia shocked them silly for good. Enter the great "British Assport" tattooed "Dieu et Mon Doigt", meaning "God and My Finger", to show Big Brother what a complete ass he really is. Le joke's on you Big Brother. "Up Yours!". ENJOY.

What inspired this painting is a sign at Castle Bytham for a "Permissive Footpath". I'd never come across a path for permissive feet before. It must be the Way to Hanky-Panky, I fancied. And it was! Here's the crack.

All the bullying, blackmail and bribes in the world couldn't make Lincolnshire County Council jell. And for the Do-As-We-Say-Not-As-We-Do Control Patrol, that's what counts. JELLING. Government's like jelly. The wobblier it is, the better. But it can't wobble if it doesn't JELL. Enter the Council's bright idea to steal the precious Crystal Condom of Condomongo while touring its domain. Job done, the Council touts it to Sotheby's and the like but the Condom's too hot and no-one'll touch it. So they bury it in a field and put up a sign, "Permissive Footpath", to mark the spot till the heat dies down.

MEANWHILE, back at the camp, the ducks grass on the Council and leak the hanky-panky. Condomongo's up in arms. Queen Lucy and Princesses Crumpetta and Scrumptious don their wings and take to the skies. You see Their Congomongoic Majesties about to hot-trot down to Castle Bytham. Crumpetta's frantically chasing a Peterborough Pie In The Sky, wind-blown magic mushrooms and a well-oiled troop of pink jumbos, Lucy's just downed, in one, a whole bottle of Vodka enshrining the Condomongo motto "SAFE SEX IS GOOD (AIDS ISN'T)", and Scrumptious is busy clearing the way so the Royal Squadron doesn't get smacked in the face by a barrage of Durex and knickers as it swoops on the Bottom of the "Permissive Footpath".

AND THE MORAL IS... What the pigs say really does JELL and what they do is at least HONEST! ENJOY.

What inspired this painting is a generosity of spirit in souls I've had the good fortune to meet. I've long believed in karma. Things don't happen by coincidence. They happen for a reason. It all depends on what we value most. For me, it's my soul. It comes first. I can't be true to me or to anyone else any other way. My soul is my song. Like the blackbird, nothing can stop it from singing. It doesn't need lyrics to sing its song but if it did, they'd be the words in this painting. They're the words of everyone who understands that spontaneous selflessness, no strings attached, is all that matters. Xxx